Be a Warrior, Not a Worrier

I spent a couple of hours today while the baby napped and Joey took the kids to the pool writing about our day. I had almost finished the post, but thought I would wait and add another paragraph or two if anything interesting happened between then and the nighttime when I would post it before e-mailing it to myself to put in the blog site. When I went to retrieve it tonight to add to it, it was completely gone. Disappeared into thin air, either by a kid error, a technical error or whatever- but this has never happened and I’m really upset. I was already really upset before this happened, and I don’t have it in me right now to re-cap all the more upbeat events and emotions of the day that were in there about the first half of the day because we’re dealing with some difficult issues the latter half of the day. While we’re traveling tomorrow to the orphanage I will work on the post that was deleted to try to re-create what I told about there. For now, we need your prayers. (Explicit: Please don’t read this with children around).

I mentioned that Chad had a crying episode in the late afternoon yesterday shortly after all the fun and laughs at the pool, and it was nothing really too surprising or alarming. It’s to be expected. What happened this afternoon was not in my bag of ‘what to expect’ and we don’t quite know what to make of it. I’m continually reminding myself of the shirt we saw last night to “be a warrior, not a worrier”, but I’ll have to say, my default is to the latter and I am struggling big time. I had walked with our guide over to a jade store nearby to get a new bracelet while Joey stayed behind with the kids because the baby was napping, and the boys especially would rather do just about anything than go to a jewelry store. When we got back to the hotel, I ran up to the room while the guide stayed behind in the lobby to wait for us to take us all to dinner. Joey and the kids were playing Sorry, and he told them it was time to go, and to get their shoes on while I changed the baby.
Chad went into the bathroom and we thought nothing of it. I had the baby in the stroller and was ready to go, and the next thing I knew he was sitting on the edge of the bed with a tissue wiping blood off his legs. Chaela asked for a bandaid for him and I thought he had picked a scab or something, and didn’t really think much of it. When I found the bandages and brought them over, Joey was sitting with him and noticing how much blood there was, and Chaela was telling us what had happened from what Chad was relaying to her. Apparently he had opened the hotel razor pack in the bathroom and was trying to shave his legs. On closer inspection I noticed his legs were quite cut up, and there was more blood than a single bandage could hold. Joey was applying pressure with a washcloth and we were trying to figure out what in the world was going on. After bandaging him up, we went in the bathroom trash and saw a hairy razor with some skin and blood on it and confiscated the razor from the other bathroom, as well. Joey made sure his pocket knife that they had used to slice the mango was also put away safely, and I took the baby down with me to tell Susan what was going on. My mind was reeling.
Best case, this is very odd, immature behavior to be playing with a razor. It is common for a child raised in an orphanage to act half their chronological age. But, it doesn’t fit what we’ve seen so far, and what everyone else who knows him has told us. It could be that he is “cutting” as a response to the extreme stress he is under. This is the same time of day that he went from very high to very low with the crying spell- I am trying not to “horriblize” this into thinking he has a mental instability or manic behaviors, but it has crossed my mind.
Susan was alarmed and wanted to come talk to him right away. They were already exiting the elevator as we were about to head up, so she pulled him aside and talked to him about why he cut himself. She relayed the conversation to us that he was playing with the razor and when he realized it hurt when it cut him, he stopped. He said he does want to be adopted, he doesn’t want to hurt himself, and she made it seem innocent enough. It still doesn’t sit right with me. If he wasn’t trying to hurt himself, why did he do both legs after realizing the first one was bleeding and hurt? Why the timing of when we were heading out the door to go to dinner? However you look at it, this is just so odd and it feels like a really bad dream. I don’t know what to make of it. I pray this is a one-time episode, but I am very concerned. It just isn’t adding up.
Trauma is tough stuff. Adoption is hard. Really hard. But we are called to do hard things. Sometimes it feels too hard, like today, and we have to rely on the prayers of others and a tiny mustard seed of faith that He will pull us through. We know from our experience with Chaela, and even Charlotte and Carrigan’s very early days that there are dark forces behind these kids that can only be fought with spiritual weapons. Little did I know how much I would need to see that shirt last night. Please help us fight this battle for this little boy who is hurting and scared. We are called to be his warriors for him when he cannot be. The fight is not against him, but for him and with him! The good news is, I have read the last page of the book, and I know how it ends. But we’re nowhere near the end of the book yet. We still have a lot of pages to go.